You haven't stopped groaning yet

And if you thought the last one was bad, here's another from Nigel. This one's for you Serge.


I found a tiny half frozen bird as I walked to my girlfriend's house, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.

When I showed it to her, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex.

She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".

A nice thought

Jan still isn't talking to me.


I booked a table for Valentines Day but she got really fed up and angry.


I didn't realise she's no good at snooker.

Sorry

I've just bought a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs.


The birds love it.

Way too slow

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work.

If anything it made him more sluggish.

You can blame Nigel for this one.

A good idea

In 1872 New Zealanders invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

The priest and the rabbi

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Divine intervention

The preacher had just finished his sermon when he said to the congregation, "Anyone with a special need that would like to be prayed over? If there is, make a line here at the front of the church."

Leroy thought about it and took his place in the line.

When it came to his turn the preacher said to Leroy, "And what do you want me to pray for Leroy?"

Leroy said, "Preacher, I want you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger in Leroy's ear, a hand on the top of his head and he then prayed and prayed and prayed. The whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes the preacher stood back and said to Leroy, "Tell me son, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy looked a little shocked and said, "Why I don't know preacher sir, my hearing ain't til next week."

Snow White and the seven dwarves

The seven dwarfs always left early in the morning to work in the mine.

As always Snow White stayed at home doing all her domestic chores. But when it came to lunch time she downed tools and prepared lunch for the dwarves.

She then took it to the mine.

One day as she approached the mine she saw that there had been a huge cave-in and the mine had collapsed.

She was frantic and tearfully she began calling out, hoping against hope that somehow the dwarves had survived.

"Hello," she shouted, "can anyone hear me?" "Hello."

For a long time there was no answer but she didn't stop trying but just as she was about to give up she shouted, "Is any one there, can anyone hear me?"

From deep within the mine, she then heard a faint stuttering sound. She pressed her ear to the ground and she heard, "Engerlund, Engerlund, Engerlund."

She jumped for joy. "Thank god," she said, "at least Dopey is still alive."

A salutary tale

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.                               
                                                                          
He found himself on an island alone, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.  In disbelief, he asks 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'                         
                                                                          
She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'  Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you                                                              
                                                                          
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made it out of raw material I found on  the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'  

 

'But, where did you get the tools?'                                      
                                                                          
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, there's very unusual alluvial rock. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'    
                                                                          
The guy is stunned.                                                      
                                                                          
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.                                  
                                                                          
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.         
                                                                          
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,                                                           
                                                                          
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'                                                                  
                                                                          
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'                                                  
                                                                          
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'                                                     
                                                                          
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,                                                         
                                                                          
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'      
                                                                          
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'                          
                                                                          
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.                                                        
                                                                          
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for?' 
She stares into his eyes...                                              
                                                                          
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes... 'Bloody hell don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?

A survey

A recent survey found that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

Tell the truth

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around & says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money"

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to all the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers" she said.

Of questionable taste

Here's one for those that follow UK politics.

Question: Why is Iris Robinson like Ikea?

Answer: One lousy screw and the whole cabinet falls apart!

A sad travel tale

A cruise in the South Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only three survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They managed to swim to a small island and lived there for a few years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Susie started to feel terrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was immoral and she felt so bad that she killed herself.

Jim and Tom were distraught but, very slowly, came to terms with her death.

After a while resistance to nature’s urges waned and the inevitable happened.

After a couple of years Jim and Tom also started to feel bad about what they were doing, so you know what they did?

They buried Susie!

An old cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

The young woman said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A kind thought

After being together for many years, I took a careful look at Jan one day and said, "Darling, 20 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white TV and I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old.

Now I have an expensive house and car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with an elderly woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

Jan, who's very reasonable person, told me not to worry. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Isn't that thoughtful?

Two blond genies

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,

'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me ?'

They've started

Michael Jackson had a heart attack and died when he found out that Boys 2 Men was a band and not a delivery service.

Never trust a blonde

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .. So she took them home and ate them.

How healthy are you?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing "fairlywell" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I"ll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied.. "I"m not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don"t," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said,

"Then why do you even give a shit?"

Thanks to Chris for this.

Now there's surprising

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2"

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

Thanks to Will for this.