Where's the Hallal butcher when you need one?

William failed to show up this morning. Probably because I gave him such a sound beating on Monday but more likely because he is mulling over his political future at the moment and is considering whether to present himself for other high office. He has a lot on his mind - bless.

***

I must be one of the few people I know who actually enjoys going to the dentist. (Is this the best you can do? - Ed.) I particularly enjoy having my teeth cleaned. You come out able to feel all the gaps in your teeth. Lovely! We also used the trip into Quissac to see if we can find a Hallal butcher. It's less about me trying to get Jan into a burkha (above) and more that we have a hallal meat eater visiting next week and we need to know where to shop. Find one we do, recently opened, right on the high street in Quissac. In searching for a picture of a burkha, I came across a picture of a camel trainer on his mobile. I'm not sure why I found this amusing, but I do.

***

This afternoon we visited the Notaire for the official signing on the Compromis de Vente on our little house in the village. The procedure for buying and selling a house in France can be found here and it is quite straightforward and slightly less stressful than the English system. Anyway, this part of the process involved buyer and seller sitting in front of Maitre S whilst he goes through the contract, line by line, and satisfying himself that everyone knows what they are letting themselves in for. Fair but boring, especially as it ate into 20 minutes of the England match with Trinidad and Tobago. After a very frustrating and stressful 65 minutes of frankly poor play, England started to show a bit more flair and wrapped it up 2-0. What is it with these so called world class footballers? They certainly like to hide their talent!

***

A few weeks ago, we received an invite to the re-opening of our favourite local restaurant, Le Fourneau de Clelia (Madame Chef has been ill). The few gatherings of this type that we have been to, show the French as a very hungry bunch and they do not stint when it comes to a free table. It appeared to us that what food had been put out had gone by the time we arrived and fresh stocks were surrounded by hordes, 10 people deep. We booked for Sunday night then we left and found a pizza place in Quissac!

Wot, another sandwich!

There I was, this morning, rereading Bill Bryson's Notes from a Small Island, and he was writing about coincidences. I mention this because we had to visit a Notaire this morning and we knew his address, but weren't sure of its location. On the way into the town (pop. 1500) I stopped at the Post Office and asked a group of people standing outside, (stretch your imagination because this is in French), "Excuse me, but I'm looking for Route de St Jean de Serres. I have an appointment with Maitre S." There was a slight pause and the only male in the group of 4 said, "Yes, that's me. Can I help you?" Now that's a coincidence.

***

I think that I'm now officially a very 'sad person'. This morning I downloaded a World Cup Wallchart. Well, at least it will give Jan some ammunition for the next few years.
Talking about Jan and ammunition, she sent me this today:

"Men have two emotions; they are either hungry or horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich."

Trouble is, all I ever get is a bloody sandwich!

***

At long last I've finally got the pool alarm installed and working. It has been mandatory for some time now for all in ground pools to be equipped with some form of accident prevention. This is a good site that explains the situation sensibly and in English. However, in my opinion, it's overkill. The whole of France has had to install some form of accident prevention device for the small number of swimming pool deaths that occur each year. The money would have been better spent educating French drivers in order to reduce the thousands of deaths on French roads. Or better still, follow the lead of just about every other European country in banning smoking in public places. But then pool owners are not likely to riot or go on strike are they?

The sun has got its hat on

It's the second Tuesday of the month and it's Windows Update day. As I understand it, there are up to 12 patches to be downloaded, making it one of the most important download days for a long time. Having said that, at 16.10 this afternoon they were still not available. I wonder at what time they are available in our part of the world? Presumably, when Redmond open up.

***

We have a hectic few days coming up so there is lots to do around the house but that hasn't stopped me watching the tennis from Queens Club or any of the myriad of World Cup football matches. Do I really care whether Togo beat Switzerland? It's glorious outside and I should be enjoying the sunshine but it's a little difficult to get enthusiastic about the sun when you know that you have at least another 4 months of it to put up with. Hey ho.

Brazil 1 England 1

Tomorrow is the day assigned to St Anthony of Padua, the patron saint of hopeless causes. I only mention this because this morning William and I played tennis for the first time in ages and he really should have been praying harder to the good Saint. I was in such good form that he didn't get one game off me and I thrashed him 6-0 (Owen, you would have been proud of me!) OK, so he had thoughts political on his mind but I was playing like a god (that's dog spelt backwards, right? - Ed.) The score now reads France 5 England 3. Bring him on.

***

Whilst we are in World Cup mode, Anne sent me this today, which made me laugh.

It's just before England v Brazil at the Olympic Stadium in Berlin, an important World Cup group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered"

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the bar and have a good time."

So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few drinks. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get they landlord to put the television on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)" He's beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the television on.

"Result from the Olympic Stadium : Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - England 1 (Beckham 89 minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down," "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I've let you down! I got sent off after 12 minutes."

British Airways, not my favourite airline!

On the way to Sommieres yesterday, we popped into the Cave Cooperative in Carnas to taste their award winning Merlot. I had been told that it should be in bottles by now. It was, and at 4 euros a bottle it's very good value. We'll let it settle and taste it soon, but at first glance it looks good.

***

England beat Paraguay 1-0 yesterday but it was very unconvincing. This was not a World Cup winning performance, but then from England, it rarely is. I'm depressed and finding it hard to write this. When will I learn?

***

There I was sitting in Windsor in 2002 thinking that the major difference between an Englishman and a Frenchman was their language. Having just read the book 'Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong', by Jean Benoit Nadeau and Julie Barlow, I now realise how naive I was. This book is essential reading for any Anglo expat and for anyone with just a smidgeon of interest in France and its people.

Then, over breakfast this morning, Pauline mentions that her parents, as German nationals, and when they lived in Germany (they have subsequently lived all over Europe, but mostly in the UK), had to elect to not pay part of their income to the German Protestant Church. I was so flabbergasted at this notion that I asked her to repeat and explain what she had just said. It transpires that 'the German church' is heavily involved in welfare matters and gets assistance from its citizens by a deduction from income. This was such an alien concept. It's starting to dawn on me that there is an awful lot more than language that separates European countries and it's no wonder that a united Federal Europe might just be a pipe dream (not that I subscribe to the notion anyway).

***

I have occasionally, in the past, had a rant at British Airways and today is no exception. They run a service between London Gatwick and Montpellier but in summer months only. How they expect to develop a client base for this route escapes me, but anyway that's what they do. Many times in previous years our visitors, who have used this route, have had to experience long delays. I know, because I do the pick up and drop off. Today was no exception. James and Pauline were phoned last Friday to say that due to technical problems with the plane, they had been moved from this morning's flight to the afternoon flight. I ask, what technical problem cannot be fixed in 2 days, and I suspect that the real reason was that the morning flight was empty (as it was coming out) and that they had lots of room on the afternoon flight. Ok, not a major inconvenience but a downright lie, nonetheless, and basically an insult to the intelligence of their passengers. So we arrived in good time to check in for the afternoon flight to be told that the estimated time of departure had been moved back a further 3 hours. What is it with this company?

Look, don't touch, and listen

Into Nîmes to the Franciscan Clinic today to check out Jan's ticker. Every now and then she gets palpitations, mostly when I enter the room, but we went to check to see if there is a medical reason, rather than just hero worship. (Words fail me - Ed.) Anyway, she is fine and is gently read the riot act about losing weight and doing more exercise. At least I'm not the only one to get an ear bashing around here!
Whilst I was waiting for Jan, I read an influential French medical magazine that hailed the British company that had invented a means of installing computer chips into women's breasts. The chips can play music, and the company has developed this new procedure because women are always complaining that men look at their breasts, but never listen to them.

***

In order to cheer ourselves up, after the morning misery, we had lunch at Lizarran, a tapas bar in the new precinct opposite Geant, on the south side of Nîmes. The address is Zac Carre Sud, Rue Jean Lauret, 30900 Nîmes, 0466 59 32 48. They do various types of tapas and pinxos, which we really enjoyed and which would have helped our new lifestyle enormously, if it hadn't been for the bottle of wine. But hey, you can't have everything can you?

***

Jan then needed a bit of retail therapy, so we scoured the shops to find things that we didn't really need, bought them, and then felt a lot better for it. I cheered myself up by putting the car through a super dooper new car wash just down the road. For a relatively modest cost you can get your car back to showroom condition, and one day, I'll spoil myself and go back for the works. Very therapeutic.

***

If you thought that you could get away from the World Cup by reading this blog then you are very much mistaken. The football started tonight with the hosts, Germany, playing Costa Rica. Germany won 4-2 but what on earth were they doing letting Costa Rica score two goals? Underestimate any team at your peril lads.

Le Château du Port

First stop this morning was the Cave Cooperative in Pomerols. We had enjoyed their medal winning Picpoul the other day at L'Embarcadere in Cardet and decided to go see and buy. The place was busy and obviously has a good local reputation. The Picpoul retailed at the princely sum of 4 euros, so we bought some to try at home.

***

Next stop was Marseillan for lunch. Marseillan is a delightful, picturesque, sleepy (at least at this time of the year) little fishing port. Its main claim to fame is that it's the home of Noilly Prat. We ate at the Le Chateau du Port (middle above) 9 quai de la Résistance, 0467 77 31 67, which is owned by the Pourcel brothers of Michelin 3 stars, Le Jardin des Sens fame in Montpellier. You would expect the food to be good and it was. They had two menus 20 or 29 euros and everyone pronounced their meals as excellent. After a bit of banter with the head waiter (he was clearly unimpressed about the upcoming World Cup) he chalked on his blackboard France 2 England 1. When I complained that that was unrealistic, he added a zero to the England score and the result you can see above. He couldn't care less, and I was happy. Now that's what you call customer service.

La plume de ma bloody tante

A couple of photos above that, for some reason, wouldn't upload yesterday. The first of James watching Madame deboning his fish, moments before I suggested that she bought her aioli. The second at the conclusion of the international rescue effort. It's a pity that we didn't take a photo of the car in the hole because it looked quite funny. A very relieved French lady, she who ditched the car, talking to the German in the red shirt whilst I stand behind the car completing my invoice for the recovery.

***

A good friend, Chris Ward, an ex Times of London journalist, author and all round good egg has had a mid-life change of direction and is now training to be a chef here in France. In Avignon to be precise. In his blog the other day he mentioned that he was undertaking his exams and one of the exams is in the English language. I dropped him a note the other day and wished him luck in the English exam. This was his reply, which I thought was very funny.

"I think the examiner was a bit overwhelmed - she just kept nodding and asking non-grammatical questions. Apparently, if they give you 20/20 they have to write a report so usually the top mark is 19/20 - so I'm going to protest if I don't get top marks. After all, 25 years earning my living as a writer, public speaking and writing books should stand me in good stead for an exam normally taken by 16 year olds."

Chez JuJu revisited (again)

Jan had a funny look in her eyes and was looking a bit lively this morning. When I noticed the date, I understood why. It was the sign of the beast, 6/6/6. Crumbs. On a much lighter note, this made me laugh. I quite like him, but I suppose that when I was younger he was a bit non u.

***

By way of a treat, we took James and Pauline to Chez JuJu for lunch today. James, who until recently was totally vegetarian, will now eat fish (which is just as well at a fish restaurant - Ed.) and the choice, like last time, was sea bass or turbot. Jan and I started with tellines, smothered in aioli, delicious but I could still taste it 6 hours later. If you don't like garlic then this aioli is not for you. I was feeling a bit mischievous (that's not like you - Ed.) and, as Madame deboned the fish, I asked her if she made the aioli or she bought it. She nearly jumped out of her skin and promptly gave us the recipe. Frankly I'm not convinced. Anyway, Jan and I had turbot and James and Pauline had sea bass. Both were perfectly cooked, as usual, in the outdoor wood burning oven. James was very brave, because even after Madame had deboned his fish, she left it head first towards him, with its eyes popping and its mouth gaping. Who's a big brave boy? An excellent meal.

***

We made a small detour on the way back to look at the flamingoes in this very remote part of the Camargue and, as we were about to leave, a chap came striding towards us seeking assistance. In the distance you could see that his wife had driven the front right hand wheel into a big hole, to the extent that the left rear wheel was high in the air, the car was beached and could not easily be moved. I was now in my element because I love these sorts of problems. A quick recce determined that if we could get the car level and could find a tow rope then we could pull it out. Along came a German family, who had the rope, we filled the back left hand side of the car with people, including one or two in the boot, got the car level and then gently pulled it free. An excellent example of International cooperation. This could be turned into a film. Marlon Brando could play me (don't be stupid, he's way too thin, and dead!- Ed.)
Full of bonhommie and looking for another major international incident to resolve, we drove round to Salin de-Giraud, crossed the Rhône by ferry and drove back a slightly different way. There were no more problems to be solved. Damn.

Monday morning blues

Today is not a national holiday but it seems to be a semi official local holiday which is why the Feria in Nîmes finishes today. Sometime ago, Chirac announced that, what was historically Whit Monday, would in future be a normal work day in 'solidarity' with the elderly. Naturally there were strikes and the odd riot, and now there is a certain amount of confusion, or more to the point, a lot of people just take the day off. Chirac's popularity, which is at an all time low at 17%, is bound to tumble further. There will be presidential elections next year, with a couple of strong front runners, Sarkosy and Royal. It should be interesting.

La Feria de Pentecôte in Nîmes

My son James and Pauline (pronounced powlina because she is German) arrived in Montpellier to stay with us for a week. Their flight left Gatwick at 06.40 which means that, even though they live just down the road in Brighton, they had to get up at 04.00. Ouch!

***

This weekend is La Feria de Pentecôte in Nîmes, so we went in early evening today, Sunday. It finishes tomorrow and Sunday is likely to have more people around. Nîmes buzzes during these events and tonight was no exception. Having walked around the town to show the sites to Pauline, we went to the bar at the top of the Carré d'Art. Unfortunately it was a champagne only night in the bar (you will see why later), but because all the other bars were blaring out very loud, almost unpleasant level music, this is like a little oasis. The balcony overlooked the stage that had been set up to the side of the Maison Carré, so it was a good vantage point to see what was going to happen later. We had front row seats but we had no idea who was on the bill. Well, after an hour of sinking bubbly (I have to say that I much prefer the local stuff from the cave cooperative at Carnas) who came on but the Gypsy Kings. Wow, a free concert (except for the champagne), weren't we lucky?

Cherry picking

It was England's, and manager Sven's, last friendly on home soil before they set out for the World Cup in Germany next week. What good it is to play a team like Jamaica, I'll never know. England won 6-0, which I suppose gives them a confidence boost, but Jamaica were hardly strong opposition. Anyway, they had no injuries and good luck to the lads.

***

The Mistral has been blowing for 6 days now and it is starting to get a bit irritating. There are a couple of jobs I want to do outside but the wind sort of prevents that (in my day it was called being lazy - Ed.). At least we got to pick the final cherry harvest, but we still have no idea why one tree produced fruit a few weeks ago and the other this week. Ah, the mysteries of a horticultural life! I'm sorry I can't show you a picture of the latest cherries but we ate them all for pudding last night.

***

The dogs started to play rough and tumble in the living room last night and broke a lamp before I could stop them. Max, sensibly, just gets out of the way when I shout at them, but Minnie goes into a stupid 'I'm sorry routine' that eventually involves submissively lying on her back. Why can't all women be like that?

A very special Picpoul

We had lunch at L'Embarcadère today. We first visited the restaurant a couple of years ago out of curiosity. It's not too far away at 30350 Cardet and it specialises in fish. The best thing, on both visits, were moules in a curry sauce. It is not inexpensive, but then fish restaurants around here are usually a bit pricey. Before I pass judgement I will need to go back again. However, what was outstanding was the wine. We had a gold medal winning Picpoul de Beauvignac from the cave cooperative at 34810 Pomerols. We will make a trip next week to find the cave.

***

Despite my rant about our plumber the other day, he turned up this afternoon and straightened my upside down tap. I gave him a few other jobs to do which he said that he will complete in July. Roll on July!

Shopping to identify needs

I visited a consultant doctor with Jan this morning (she suspects an immaculate conception!). Contrary to what we were used to in the UK, making a timely appointment was not a problem. The consultation rooms were brand new, nothing unusual there, but what fascinated me was how casually the doctor and his staff were dressed. I have noticed this before with my own visits to our surgery. Dr F, who also spoke English, was extremely professional and efficient, was wearing a scruffy short sleeved 'pilot' shirt, black jeans and a pair of trainer type boots that were a cross between basketball boots and boxer's boots. His secretary, who was young and very pretty, was wearing a pink pearl choker, a sparkling pink, low cut top, suitable for a night out, and she displayed an 'elegant' small tattoo on her left breast. How different, and surprisingly refreshing.

***

Being in Nîmes in the morning we decide to pop into the excellent indoor market (it is only open in the morning) and FNAC. The market to buy some goodies to eat and into FNAC for me to browse. Needless to say we found things that we 'needed' in both stores, tellines and dorade in the market and a sound system for Jan's iPod in FNAC. Jan gets enormous enjoyment from her iPod and is one of the most technically savvy people of her generation that I know. Definitely a groovy granny.