Showing posts with label Uncle Alex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Uncle Alex. Show all posts

Monday, March 30, 2009

Uncle Alex 04


Remember the spoof agony aunt email service that I set up some time ago, well something funny happened today. The email that I set up is genuine and I've received what looks like a genuine enquiry about a computer problem. I've no idea where they picked up the email but I presume the question is genuine because of all the information that it contains. It seems too elaborate for a joke.

Anyway, here's what it says:


Hello,

A friend of mine has a Toshiba Satellite laptop running Win XP Media Center Edition. It has a virus, I believe it is XP Antivirus Protection.

The laptop has McAfee on it and it gives this message:

McAfee has automatically blocked and removed a Trojan.

About this TrojanDetected: Gereric Packed (Trojan), Generic Packed (Trojan)Location: C:\Documents and Settings\Admin\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5\DUJSRVXE\tsstduhii[1].htm

Trojans appear as legitimate programs but can damage valuable files, disrupt performance, and allow unauthorized access to your computer.

System restore will not work. It starts to do the restore and then when the blue progress bar gets about half way finished it restarts the laptop and then when it comes back up, there is a message that System restore was not successful and cannot be restored.

I cannot disable anything in the MSCONFIG Startup tab, I get an error message “An Access Denied error was returned while attempting to change a service. You may need to log on using an Admistrator account to make the specified changes.”

However, I am logged in with an Admin account. I also cannot enter REGEDIT, I get a dialog box that states “Registry editing has been disabled by your administrator.” As an added bonus, the laptop gets the blue screen with white numbers and letters, something that looks like this (0x0000800). It goes away quickly, but I believe it says something about a physical dump and then turns itself off!

To make matters worse, she does not have the Win XP CD or restore disk. Is there anything I can do to fix this? Or should I throw it out of the window of a tall office building…or moving vehicle?

On an unrelated issue, we have a PC in the office that is running Vista and the password is lost. Now we cannot install a printer because the PC wants us to be logged on as an administrator. Is there anyway to reset the password or get around this so we can install a printer?

Thank you,

L..


This is my reply


Dear L


With regards your first question, the tall building option sounds good. However I advise caution with this approach. Firstly the building doesn't need to be too high because if you fail to let go of the laptop, when you throw it out of the window, you don't want to hurt yourself anymore than necessary and secondly it will help you avoid a charge of manslaughter by avoiding any pedestrians. You've already got enough problems without adding to them.


This solution is also good for your second question.


Uncle Alex

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Uncle Alex 03


Hola tio Alex

(The following has been translated using Google Translate.)

My name is Rafael (Nadal) and I play tennis. In fact I play tennis rather well but I need your help with a personal matter. If you have ever seen me play you might have noticed that I have a problem with my underpants. I think that is what they are called in your language. The problem is this. At the start of every point and I mean every point I find it necessary to pull my pants from out of my crack. I buy only the best Calvin Kleins but no matter what size I buy they always ride up and this is very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that it has started to cause a problem with my game and I fear losing my number one status. Please help.
Rafa.

Dear Rafa

I must say that I sympathise with your problem. There’s nothing worse or more distracting than a pair of shreddies that keep riding up your crack. This used to happen to me and I find the best solution is to buy your under garments from Marks and Spencer that well known British high street store. Failing that you might consider going commando. It will improve your ranking even more.
Tio Alex
No matter how big or how small your problem, Uncle Alex is only an email away. Write to me at help.me.uncle@gmail.com You know it makes sense.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Uncle Alex 02


This request for further help has just flooded in:


"Deer Uncle Alex

Now peeple r saying I have to take a test to prove I am the dad. Pleese can u help cos I am bad at taking tests not usuly geting mor than a D-.

Trubled teenager"



Dear Trubled teenager

Please don't worry. The test will only involve a small prick. Something that I'm sure you are used to.

Uncle Alex



No matter how big or how small your problem, Uncle Alex is only an email away. Write to me at help.me.uncle@gmail.com You know it makes sense.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Uncle Alex 01



For some time now, no doubt inspired by my wisdom, people from all walks of life have been writing to me with their problems. Answering the letters is turning into a full time job and in the interest of expanding public knowledge, I will from time to time include a selection of the letters and my reply. I will call this new public service 'Uncle Alex.' Here's a very recent letter.



"Deer Uncle Alex

I am the 13 years old father of a bouncy baby girl (you may have heard of us) and I wonder if you could help? The bloody kid will never sleep, cries all the time and this is interfering with my homework and what my mam calls my 'quality time.' To go one further the bloody kid has puked on my Nintendo and the bloody thing is useless now. Do you think I can get my mam to claim for a new one from the social, whatever that is?

Me and Slapper (her name has been changed to protect her identity) are very much in love and I try everything I can to keep her happy including helping her with her homework, but the trouble is she's fifteen and I haven't got a clue about it. My teacher says that I've got to get on with my own maths before I can help her. It's not bloody fair.

I'm also struggling to make ends meet with the pocket money that my mam gets for me from the social. Have you seen the price of nappies? Fuck me, after I have bought my sherbet dips and chewing gum, I don't have enough left to buy the nappies and the kids biscuits. Have you seen the price of that shit? Mam said she's sure 'the social' will help, whatever that is, so that's ok.

I'm still not too sure what me and Slapper did to make this baby but one day it was just there. Fuck. Innit. Still, this weirdo from a newspaper, whatever that is, took pictures of me and the baby and said I would be famous, and on telly, so that will show my arsehole teachers.

Troubled teenager, 13 years 2 months."




Dear troubled teenager

It strikes me that you probably have too many demands made of your quality time so I'd get the hell out of there and leave them to get on with it. You'll soon find another Slapper.

Uncle Alex



If you have any problems that you'd like to share with me you can contact me at the following adress help.me.uncle@gmail.com . I look forward to being of service.