Uncle Alex 01

For some time now, no doubt inspired by my wisdom, people from all walks of life have been writing to me with their problems. Answering the letters is turning into a full time job and in the interest of expanding public knowledge, I will from time to time include a selection of the letters and my reply. I will call this new public service 'Uncle Alex.' Here's a very recent letter.

"Deer Uncle Alex

I am the 13 years old father of a bouncy baby girl (you may have heard of us) and I wonder if you could help? The bloody kid will never sleep, cries all the time and this is interfering with my homework and what my mam calls my 'quality time.' To go one further the bloody kid has puked on my Nintendo and the bloody thing is useless now. Do you think I can get my mam to claim for a new one from the social, whatever that is?

Me and Slapper (her name has been changed to protect her identity) are very much in love and I try everything I can to keep her happy including helping her with her homework, but the trouble is she's fifteen and I haven't got a clue about it. My teacher says that I've got to get on with my own maths before I can help her. It's not bloody fair.

I'm also struggling to make ends meet with the pocket money that my mam gets for me from the social. Have you seen the price of nappies? Fuck me, after I have bought my sherbet dips and chewing gum, I don't have enough left to buy the nappies and the kids biscuits. Have you seen the price of that shit? Mam said she's sure 'the social' will help, whatever that is, so that's ok.

I'm still not too sure what me and Slapper did to make this baby but one day it was just there. Fuck. Innit. Still, this weirdo from a newspaper, whatever that is, took pictures of me and the baby and said I would be famous, and on telly, so that will show my arsehole teachers.

Troubled teenager, 13 years 2 months."

Dear troubled teenager

It strikes me that you probably have too many demands made of your quality time so I'd get the hell out of there and leave them to get on with it. You'll soon find another Slapper.

Uncle Alex

If you have any problems that you'd like to share with me you can contact me at the following adress help.me.uncle@gmail.com . I look forward to being of service.