Please give generously, this is an International Appeal

A major flood hit Rotherham, England on Thursday evening.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing at least £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Great Yorkshire Show and the Dearne Valley Mining Museum were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historical ferret racing were disturbed, and many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rotherham. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Nora-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Trueman-Boycott and Bronte-Parkinson slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Super League rugby the next morning".

Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Yorkshire tea bags and several tonnes of Barnsley seam coal to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, Rotherham United Programmes, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher. Can You Help? Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
· Flat or cloth caps
· Ex NCB Donkey Jackets
· Aprons (female)
· White sports socks
· Clogs, Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, any type of pies, tinned baked beans, dripping and cans of John Smiths or Tetley Bitter is ideal. Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:
· 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims
· £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9
· £5 will pay for a packet of Woodbines and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Sheffield.