Oh go on, it's only a triathlon

I have a soft spot (or rather a hard spot) for one of the lady newsreaders on Breakfast TV. Jan allows me my little fantasy and doesn't really mind. This newsreader, I recently found out, competes in Triathlons, an exercise fest comprising a 1.5 Kms swim, a 40 Kms bike ride and a 10 Kms run. This lady is very, very fit. Anyway, there I was drooling over said lady this morning when Jan turned to me and said, "Listen buster, you wouldn't last 5 minutes. She'd eat you alive." Still, the thought was there.

***

Bryan S popped by this morning to help and advise me on some fencing that needs doing and shave the bottom of a door. As with all these things if you have the right tools it takes no time at all. Bryan has the tools but more importantly the know how. I could have a go with the fence but I know I wouldn't do it correctly and I hate bodging jobs.

***

We have never covered the pool in winter, allowing it to turn over and then cleaning it occasionally. Having read (but not being exactly convinced) that I'd be liable if a child broke into the property and drowned, we have decided to cover the pool this winter. There are some young children next door who I had to chase away last year so I'm not prepared to take the chance.

Davis Cup

It was Czechoslovakia, England and France playing tennis again this morning. Peter (CZ) was today's best player. His technique is not great but he is the youngest of us and reaches balls that lesser mortals struggle to get to. The current score is CZ 6, F 5 and GB 6. I bet you'll sleep better for knowing that.

***

Today was the first of a series of UVA treatments for Jan. It's a little problem that we don't discuss openly, so now you're in on the secret. This treatment means that we have a 90 minutes round trip to Nimes for the best part of 10 minutes at the surgery. It's so quick that it's worth parking outside and chancing a ticket. Adds a bit of spice to an otherwise boring event.

Manon des Sources

Max and Minnie are difficult to control whilst they are on the lead because they pull so much. Max is much worse than Min, and, being the heavier dog, pulls with much more force. No amount of training seems to help. In itself not a major problem but it causes quite a severe strain on my lower back and therefore becomes very tiresome and painful. On the recommendation of Bryan S we purchased a couple of Halti head collars. We took them both out this afternoon and at first glance they seemed to work. Max had no problem with his and Min tried everything she could think of to get hers off. She failed. Fingers crossed we might have solved it. Thanks Bryan.

As an aside, Jan pointed out later that I'd attached their leads incorrectly. And there you were thinking that I was infallible (er, no we didn't - Ed.)

***

We have finally got our hands on a subtitled copy of Manon des Sources, (it's the sequel to Jean de Florette) and we watched it tonight whilst choking on the fumes from our problematic fireplace. Excellent film - lousy fireplace.

Armistice Day

It's Armistice Day, a public holiday, and along with 25 other people from the village we troop off to the War Memorial to mark the event. This is strange behaviour from us because it's not something we ever did in the UK. Anyway, the 'foreign' contingent accounted for about 25% of the the turnout (four English and two Dutch). The photo above shows the official party (William and his deputy) reading messages from the French War Veterans Association. I'd like to understand why we have changed and why we do this. Maybe it's because we have more time on our hands or maybe we have developed a greater sense of public spirit.

***

Talking about public spirit, we headed off to Sommieres for a wee drink and to meet up with Jill and Harry and Bryan and Gill. How come everyone's called Jill/Gill at the moment?

Worry less and do more!

So what does Jan worry about? North Korea, nuclear proliferation, Darfur, Iran? No, she didn't sleep well last night and spent a lot of time worrying about our luggage. As usual, we bought tons of stuff and knew that we were going to be overweight for the flight back. To solve the problem, we should have bought a cheap bag and checked two bags instead of one. And, as it happens, she was dead right to worry because Ryanair hit us with a £55 surcharge for our one overweight suitcase. No mercy. It was our fault entirely and you know what, worrying about it didn't help one bit?
Additionally we had to endure the now obligatory humiliation at security but it was very hit and miss. Some people had to remove their shoes, others did not, some removed their belts, others did not and, whilst I was there, the woman checking the X-ray screen was hardly looking at it. To me it seemed like a total shambles, a scatter gun approach, a knee jerk panic. It was totally unprofessional and a total waste of time and effort, never mind the affront to one's dignity. We need to get power back to the traveller. Vote for me and I'll make it happen!

***

I don't normally talk about food, but Jan made her own, very individual, kedgeree tonight using a big chunk of oak roast smoked salmon that we brought back from Bleiker's (I mentioned them Wednesday). Normally, she would use smoked haddock, but she tweaked the usual recipe, used some curry powder, ground cardamom and fresh coriander as well as the salmon. Delicious.

Harrogate's the town!

There's something about Harrogate. From the architecture to the way the women dress, Harrogate oozes class. There are more top of the range Range Rovers, BMW X5's and Porche Cayennes here than in Chelsea (you're such a snob - Ed.). When you bear in mind that it is a dormitory town for Leeds then I suppose it starts to make sense. It's just one helluva nice place to be. I mentioned this to mum as we returned from the town this afternoon and she said, "Well you can put that in your clog." Bless.

***

We ate at the General Tarleton, Ferrensby, Knareborough tonight, and jolly nice it was too. Very good food in a beautiful setting and definitely recommended. The only difference was it was 50% more expensive than the Sportman's Arms yesterday. But hey, the delightful Polish waitress made my evening.

Because we ate out tonight, mum has lots of food leftover. Does anybody want to go and help her eat it up?

Bleiker's Smokehouse and The Sportsman's Arms

Dial Up is soooo slow. I set up the connection when we arrived on Monday and it takes some getting used to when you normally use ADSL. I'd forgotten!

***

Mum's table is always so interesting. Nothing straightforward here don't you know. Not ordinary marmalade, but Orange, Apricot and Amaretto marmalade. Not just honey, but Active UMF 10+ Manuka Honey. Not just strawberry jam, but strawberry and champagne jam. The list goes on.
There's nothing straightforward about my mother. Watching her eat her marmite and banana on toast for breakfast tells you that. Toast made from Dr h c A Vogels original mixed grain brown bread. He was a famous Swiss nutritionist (says the packet) and this loaf won a gold medal in 1954 (I knew it was stale). It is made from kibbled wheat (don't ask), kibbled rye and with no artificial anything. "But mum, it still tastes like cardboard!"

***

At around 11.00 we headed off into the stunning scenery of the Nidd Valley. Mum has to pick up some smoked trout from Bleiker's Smokehouse, Glasshouses, Nr Pateley Bridge, HG3 5QH, 01423 711411. As ever mum has great taste because this place is recommended by Rick Stein as one of his food heroes. The staff there were outstanding in their friendliness and helpfulness. This is typical Yorkshire hospitality which is so lacking in others parts. Jan and I bought a lot of stuff to take home. Roll on Christmas.

On our way over to Glasshouses we passed near or through many villages with lovely and unusual names, Hampsthwaite, Killinghall, Blubberhouses, Kirby Overblow, Burnt Yates, Bedlam and Smelthouses, to name but seven. The Nidd Valley where men are men and women kick start jumbo jets for fun. Anyway, needing a good pint of beer, I asked for a recommendation for lunch from one of the lovely ladies in the smoke house. Quick as a flash she said, "For a great lunch and good beer you need the Sportman's Arms in Wath."

What an excellent recommendation. The Sportsman's Arms, Wath-in-Nidderdale, Nr Pateley Bridge, 01423 711806, is outstanding. I'd be writing for days to tell you how good the food was. This is a superior restaurant with food of the highest standard. The bill for three with wine was £83. Very highly recommended. Miss this place at your peril.

***

We headed back to Harrogate afterwards and finished off a perfect day with a little retail therapy. Mnnnnnnnnnn.

What shall we eat today?

Mum always has something good on the table. Today at lunch she had, amongst a lot of other things, the most delicious mozzarella. As I’m a bit of a mozzarella aficionado I must tell you about it. If you are ever near a Waitrose (in England) buy their Fattorie Garofalo, 121 via Santa Maria, Capua, 0039 0823 627025, mozzarella bufala. It was unbelievably fresh; as good as I have ever eaten fresh in Italy. Jan, who is mostly a fresh ricotta fan, also thought it was wonderful. If you like buffalo mozzarella and you can’t be bothered to go to the south of Italy, then this is the stuff for you.

***

I’d had a forewarning about the afternoon. I knew that mum had an appointment at the District hospital, 25 miles west, in York. She usually does this journey by public transport, which takes out an afternoon. Why she doesn’t just go to the local hospital, 2 miles away, is another story. Naturally we offer to take her even though it will mean a lot of waiting around. Ok so I don’t really mind waiting (that’s a lie – Ed.) but for the first hour we drove away from the hospital and read the newspapers. When we got back the car park was still full so it meant waiting in a space reserved for children that needed a special badge. It was the only unoccupied space available and I couldn’t get near our meeting point. I sat with the car whilst Jan searched the hospital for mum who was by now half an hour late. It wasn’t just a case of sitting there, I had to be on full alert because I didn’t want a ticket and I didn’t want to miss my mother who could walk past at any moment. It wasn’t at all comfortable, but then I don’t mind waiting, do I?

***

On our return home from York, Jan fancied fish and chips, and Mum suggested a place nearby. When questioned, it turns out that the last time she had used this place she was disappointed. When I pointed out that she was suggesting a place that she didn’t like, I was faced with a blank stare. Ok, if you want fish and chips there is only one place, so it was back in the car for a 15 mile journey south to Leeds to eat at Bryan’s, 9 Weetwood Lane, Headingley, Leeds 16, 0113,278 5679. This is the best fish and chip restaurant in the world, bar none. Go there you will not be disappointed.

Nimes to Harrogate

It was an early start this morning because we had to drop the dogs off at their pension at 08.00 and then we had to make an appointment in Nimes by 09.00. It’s always hard leaving the dogs because they don’t exactly look forward to it and naturally we will miss them.
We have time to kill before the flight, so there I am sitting in a typical French café (that’s strange – Ed.) on the Boulevard Admiral Courbet, dunking my pain au chocolate when, as I looked down the sun dappled, tree lined road, I had this strange sensation. Here I am living in France and suddenly it feels very exotic. This is the France of your dreams and here I am living it. We both feel very lucky.

***

Jan and I have been together for quite a few years and even now I still learn things about her. We were talking about attraction and what makes people attractive. Jan, looking at a man, said, “Look at the back of his neck, it’s horrible.” I was amazed. This was something new. An element of attractiveness that I’d never considered before, at least not consciously.
“I’ve always wondered why you walked round and round me on that first date,” I said.
Necks, it turns out, tell a story. You learn more every day.

***

Flying isn’t much of a pleasure. I’ve flown a lot in the past, on business, and grew to hate it. Of late, the flying has been more for pleasure so it was less of a burden, but there are now big differences. Now we are all potential terrorists and are stripped of our dignity when we enter an airport building. We are questioned at check-in and are treated as a real threat at security. The staff at Nîmes were generally cheerful and relaxed this time so security wasn’t too bad, but it has been awful in the past. You want to scream at them. “Do I look like a bloody terrorist? I’m obviously a middle aged overweight tourist. That little grey haired old lady looks even less so.” Or more to the point, how many terrorists have ever been stopped and caught at security? Look, I know all the arguments, but isn’t this all just a little over the top? To subject every flyer to this kind of security is nothing but a stupid waste of time. To frisk little old ladies and young children is downright insulting. What about a little profiling, why not make the searches random? Why not use a little more common sense?

***

Liverpool to Harrogate is a little under 2 hours and mum is pleased to see us. She has the next few days mapped out, mostly involving food but with the odd trip to sort out her medical problems. Dinner was a cicatelli pasta with a beef ragu, washed down with an excellent Chilean Chardonnay, a 2003 Montepulchiano d’Abruzzo and then, just in case we hadn’t quite had enough, a 2003 Valpolicella Zenato which was just excellent. We rarely drink Italian wine so this was a nice treat. Being the oldest male around at dinner, (the only male at dinner – Ed.) I’m entrusted to taste the pasta and pronounce when it is cooked correctly. Apart from drinking too much, this was my main contribution for dinner. What a responsibility. It’s tough being me!

And the winner is

A big chunk of yesterday, and most of today, involved leaving the garden in a reasonable state, and preparing for a trip to the UK tomorrow. We will fly from Nimes to Liverpool and then drive over to Harrogate to see mater. We haven't seen my mother for several months so a trip is long overdue. Mum is Italian and lives in England and I'm English and live in France. You'd think we could have organised that better.

***

Peter H made reference to this interesting article about France on his website The Languedoc Page. I believe that next year's presidential elections will be crucial for France. It should be very interesting not only to see who wins, but also to see what changes are proposed and how the winner goes about it.

What's your surname?

If you ever had the slightest doubt about Wales, or Cardiff in particular, think again. Look at the fun you can have. Never have so many people with the same surname had so much fun. It even headlined that internationally famous and talented person, Grace Jones. Unfortunately Tom Jones couldn't be there, because he's not called Jones. Unless, that is, you spell Jones, W-o-o-d-w-a-r-d. And they broke a world record to boot. Gosh, I'm so envious, I wish I'd been there, it sounds like they all had a great time.

***

So there we are sitting at the computers this morning, when I lent over Jan's shoulder.

"What are you doing my love?" I said.

"Booking your birthday present for next year," she said. "How do you feel about going to Rome for a few days next February, for the grand total of 50 euros return?"

It would have been churlish to mention that my birthday is in January and she wasn't going to spend much, so I said "Do you mean 50 euros each?"

"No, it's 25 euros each," she said.

It transpired that Jan had really wanted to go to Morocco, but mindful of current problems had decided that being killed by the Mafia had more appeal. At least you would die with a good meal in your belly. Rome is my favourite city and Ryanair have just opened their French hub in Marseille, an hour and a half away, from where you can fly cheaply all over the place.

It's great to have little treats to look forward to. Isn't she nice?

The Emperor's New Clothes

I must be a philistine! Why the hell would anyone want to pay $140m for this painting? I presume it's the right way up? A few years back, on a trip to London, we went to the Tate and saw a Pollock 'in the flesh'. Jan made the comment that it looked like he did it with all the paint he had left over. We looked and looked and couldn't see one redeeming feature. In fact we both concluded that it was a load of rubbish. All I could keep thinking about was the 'Emperor's New Clothes'. I can't be the only one?

It has just occurred to me that the words Pollock and bollocks sound very similar. I rest my case, m'lud.

***

OK, another little rant. Why do film makers make it so difficult for you to understand a plot? Last night we watched a new, very glossy, series about terrorists called The State Within. It was very well made with the big exception that it was really difficult to understand what was going on. Fast moving photography, moving from scene to different scene/bit of the plot, left you bemused, reeling and straining to understand what the hell it was all about. There must have been at least five sub plots and it became a strain to keep up. Now I know I'm getting old and my faculties are not what they used to be but purleese give me a break. We discussed the film this morning, after my brain stopped hurting, and quite a bit of stuff came out that only one of us had grasped. Still, I think it was exciting and I'll try and figure another bit out next week.

Waiting for the perfect man

Jan sent me this. I don't get it!

***

All of a sudden The volume of spam that I receive has dropped significantly, particularly into my gmail account. It's probably because someone (who I don't believe in!) is looking after me because I'm an honest, kind and thoughtful person. (Help, I'm choking - Ed.) Or maybe a combination of Mailwasher and Gmail is finally beginning to work, but somehow I doubt it. They probably had a day off.

***

The back garden is slowly taking shape, but we still need to lay a couple of tons of gravel which will mostly be used to fill in the ditches that were formed when we laid drainage. Before we can do this however, there are a few tons of logs to move so that a lorry can dump the gravel in the right place. I hope you're paying attention! Anyway, Jan and I started shifting the wood whilst constantly being interrupted by the dogs. In a game of 'I want what you've got,' they kept picking up logs and thoughtfully whacking the backs of our legs whilst chasing each other.

Halloween

I like Halloween or, more to the point, I like to see children having some fun. We armed ourselves with goodies yesterday and sure enough they turned up. The first group were very young, accompanied by several parents who were playing musical instruments and singing. I hadn't seen that before but it made a pleasant change. The second group were older, unsupervised and more mischievous. 'Better to stay on the right side of this lot,' I thought, so they went away happy as well. This article surprised me, because we have seen more kids this year than any other.

***

Where has the year gone? It doesn't seem like two minutes ago that I was looking forward to getting my shorts on and heating the pool up. This is all a bit quick for me! Anyway, the morning of 1st November sees me continuing to clean up Christine's computer. It's a bit ancient (a bit like you - Ed.) and keeps hanging. Trying to complete even a simple task takes ages (a bit like you - Ed.) because it is constantly stop, start and it never seems to finish any simple task (a bit like you - Ed.). The answer is probably just to get a new model (a bit like ...... - Ed.).

***

I met Peter, my tennis pal, yesterday and he told me something interesting. He had just returned from his vacation, and he had brought back a German car (a Mercedes Estate) which he had to put through the control tecnique. It failed because it needed two new tyres. He told me that he had bought the tyres for 35 euros each, in Ales, and that they were second hand. Because he was selling the car he wasn't bothered if the tyres weren't new. I queried this and he said that they come out of Germany and that there is quite a big trade in second hand tyres in France. He explained that in Germany you are obliged, each November 1st, to change to winter tyres. Many households have the equipment to change tyres but many others don't, so, come November 1st they go to a garage and buy a new set of winter tyres and 'discard' the old one's. For the same reason, on March 30th you are legally obliged to change back to 'summer' tyres. Alles in ordnung.