New Year's Eve hype

I have always found New Year's Eve disappointing and I have never really understood what all the fuss is about (and even less, auld lang syne - just look at the words here ). There you are getting all hyped up about the chimes at midnight, the witching hour arrives, and then nothing. You give your loved one a lingering kiss then, nothing. No flash of light, no present under the tree, just nothing. At worst you get to sing an incomprehensible song and at best you get the tantalising opportunity to go and give someone that you fancy a bit of a snog. But that's it. So bah humbug to the lot of you.

***

I have always liked the hustle and bustle of street markets, particularly those in Italy, where stall holders shout, in incomprehensible Italian, about the quality and price of their produce. This morning we went off to Sommieres, mainly to get ingredients for this evening's dinner with the Lloyds, and to visit Intermarché, our local supermarket of choice. Well, there he is, the equivalent of an Italian stall holder, using the loudspeaker system to sell various bits of merchandise and, in true stall holder fashion, his words were totally incomprehensible and distorted by the address system. At one point he even started to sing.
As a practice run for a special dinner party that we will be hosting in January, Jan decided to cook a banquet but more of all that tomorrow.

***

If you ever get evacuated from an airport, don't panic. This could be the reason: http://www.french-news.com/fn05/main.aspx?issue=199§ion=Europe&story=55

Smoky again

We're enjoying lie ins at the moment, so it's off to Nîmes at the crack of 11.00. We need some bits but particularly dog food for our little angels. Hmmmm. We return to find that said angels have had a riot and partially destroyed their bedding. This is getting silly. We replace their mats on average every three months but despite a good telling off from me, Max, in particular, doesn't seem to learn.

***

There I was congratulating myself that we had fixed the smoking chimney when it started again with a bit of a vengeance. It wouldn't aspirate for about 2 hours, filled the house with acrid smoke, and then it corrected itself just as quickly. Weird. The atmospheric conditions, as far as I can see, haven't changed noticeably all day.

Wot you smilin at?

It was so cold last night that the pool partially froze over. Unlike all the sensible people, we don't cover our pool, and keep it running a minimal amount of time in case of ice, and in case some idiot likes to bathe in freezing cold water. Don't scoff, they're out there you know! Talking about idiots, this morning I spread a hair gel, that sets rock hard, onto my face, instead of an aftershave balm. I wonder if that's where the expression 'a fixed grin' comes from? (Yet another senior moment - Ed.)

***

William called round at 13.30 to cancel this afternoons hit. It was something to do with having to wait in so that he could have his fosse septique emptied. The excuses that people come up with to avoid being beaten again. Not to worry, I'll beat him tomorrow. Whilst it was sunny, it was bitterly cold so we both slobbed out in front of the fire and watched a film.

Surf and ski

Ahhhhh, the peace. We didn't have to get up to feed the masses, so a well earned lie in it was. It was fun having everyone around but it also feels great to have the house back to normal.

***

Our neighbours the Lloyds arrived on the 26th and have gone skiing. We fully intended to go with them but Minnie is a little too young to leave in kennels just yet, so we'll consider it again in February. We're so lucky to have the beach 50 minutes to the south and skiing an hour and a half to the north. Let's hope we make it.

***

Jan felt sorry for me, or perhaps just guilty, but either way she knocked up a delicious hot, chicken and ham pie for dinner. If anyone is short of food, we have a few tons to give away! You'll do me a favour.

Wot, we have no bananas?

I forgot to mention that yesterday I restored national pride by beating William 6-2. He failed to understand why he lost, "Ce n'est pas possible," he muttered as he shook his head after each losing point. Ah well, no banana today then!

***

Everybody leaves today (he said with a sigh of relief), with 10 people leaving first thing by car, and the others needing lifts to their respective airports later this morning. Guess who's got the Marseille run again? Then, when I got back and because I'm a very kind person, I drove to Montpellier as well. Some couples are higher maintenance than others. But what really gets my goat is those people that can drive but don't and expect to be run around. We even have a car that they can borrow but do they offer to go to the shops? What do you think? Ok, rant over, altogether a successful family gathering. But I can wait until the next one.

***

Jan uttered the ominous words, "We have so much food left over." What was it I said about buying smaller turkeys? Now starts a few weeks of eating leftovers and tonight was cold turkey (again) and salad. I've not had a hot meal for 2 days, he said bitterly, but tomorrow I can feel a curry coming on.

Quote of the day

The general lunch conversation centered on how frightened or uncomfortable one felt being in certain capital cities. Jan piped in with, "I feel far more uncomfortable in London than I used to feel before." When pressed as to why, she said, "Marks and Spencer don't seem to stock my size anymore." Bless.

***

One of our Christmas turkeys was frozen and brought with care, and much trepidation, all the way from England to France, inside an insulated box strapped to the top of a camper van. The constant worry was that it would defrost and be unusable. Well, have no fear, the journey down was very cold, with freezing overnight temperatures, and the turkey arrived in one, wholesome, frozen piece. So far, so good. Now it was Jan's turn. Said turkey, so lovingly cared for over a cold three day journey, was handed over to Jan for the next stage of the process. Jan poured even more tender loving care, stuffing it and basting it, and then promptly forgetting about it, until it burnt to a dark brown crisp. With the exception of my beloved, we all thought that this was hilarious, but unfortunately Jan's now convinced that she's losing it. I don't suppose it helped that I took her out for a drink in Quissac whilst it was in the oven. Anyway, the moral of the story: buy a cooked chicken from the market stall in Sommieres. Works every time! (So what's wrong with a French turkey? - Ed.) What's wrong with a French turkey I hear you say? Well according to Jan, they're generally too small, with the largest seeming to weigh in at about 4 kilos. I'm sure we ate far less than this on Christmas day, but what do I know?

***

Today is not a holiday in France, so we took one of the guests for an ultrasound scan to check on the progress of her baby (don't ask why). Everything was fine but it took up the best part of the morning. We returned via our neighbour's house to put some radiators on, in anticipation of their arrival this afternoon. It transpires that they still only have a small electricity supply (about 30 amps), from the days when they had builders, so the main fuse kept blowing when we turned everything on. By a combination of leaving some rads on and some rads off we managed to get some heat into the house, but why is everything so not straightforward? Later in the afternoon I went and lit a fire, nothing to blow there then? Except of course lots of smoke!

My sentiments exactly

If there's one thing that winds me up, it's political correctness, but for those of you who disagree with my sentiments, here's a holiday greeting for you.

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
For all you normal folks out there,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Live for the day

Remember all those women who waved away the desert trolley on the Titanic. Believe me, I'm not going to make the same mistake. It's Christmas, I like food and I'm really going to eat, starting err, tomorrow. I really don't like the word dieting. To me it means doing without lots of self indulgent things in order to lose weight. What I'm trying to do is change the way I eat. Eat and drink less of useless calories balanced with more of the better. The purveyors of fad diets promise a lot but give little, except perhaps a false hope and an increase in weight after the so called diet has finished. All you have to remember is that the bloke who invented the Atkins Diet died early from a heart attack. Well bretheren, here endeth the lesson, 'cos I've got to go and weigh myself because I think I've put weight on again.

***

Guess where I went this morning? To the supermarket again. The sixth straight day in a row. What is it with all this eating? A bit more forward planning wouldn't be a bad idea. Whose idea was this anyway?

***

This afternoon Jan became visibly distressed because she has lots to do to prepare for Christmas lunch and she can't get anything done. There are about 8 people in the kitchen bombarding her with questions and demanding ingredients that they have omitted to purchase and not letting her get on with her own jobs. It's at times like this that I'd start shouting at people but Jan is far too nice. It's 16.40 and I'm here tapping away when they shout (a great deal of simple conversation is shouted for some reason) that they need me to remove a tick from Minnie. There are 4 people hovering around, all examining said tick, and one unsuccessfully using a proprietary tick remover. I get a torch because it is obviously impossible to see what they are doing and I return as they get more excited because the tick won't come out. Shining the torch at the spot quite clearly shows a speck of mud that has attached to her coat and I remove it quickly with my fingers. The moral of the story: when you identify a problem, shed a little light on it (in more ways than one), don't believe everything that you are told, and don't always assume the worst. Works every time.

***

Dinner tonight was cooked by Ben and Paula (from Barcelona, and who also prepared lunch), and Luke and Lydia. Lunch consisted of the choicest Spanish hams and sausage. Dinner was roast pork tenderloin with prunes and dauphinoise potatoes followed by strawberry shortcake. B&P also brought a selection of Spanish Turron to nibble. Yum.

A French Christmas market?

It's off to the bakers at 09.00 for 20 croissants, 4 pain au chocolat and 6 loaves of bread. Talk about the feeding of the five thousand. After breakfast and because it's a bright sunny day again, a hardy bunch take the dogs and themselves for a walk up the hill opposite the house, whilst I have to make yet another trip to the supermarket. Great!

***

Dinner preceded a 3 car convoy into Nîmes for the Christmas market. The abundance of space in the car park was a indicator of what was to come. The market was due to shut at 21.30 and, after a particularly early dinner, we arrived with an hour to spare. The whole thing was shut up. It probably had something to do with the unseasonally cold temperatures, but hey, it's supposed to be cold at Christmas. Anyway, it was good to have a stroll and get some air and Nîmes was looking particularly festive with attractive Christmas lights. Next year I'll make sure to go in a little earlier (as in fact I'd suggested to everyone) because potentially there was lots to do and see. Bum.

And there's still nearly a week to go

It's amazing how, with a houseful of guests, you find so little time to do the things that you need to do to just to keep things running smoothly. I had three simple jobs to do today and had only just completed the third by 13.00. Hey ho.

***

It's 18.05 and I've come to the computer for a little peace and quiet. As I sit here trying to do anything but go back into where everybody has gathered, I contemplate the pending arrival of four more adults and a dog. So far Max and Minnie have spent an inordinate amount of time outside, in order to stop them getting under people's feet and scrounging scraps. Max has now learnt how to open the kitchen bin with his nose and Min continues to break plant pots and scatter compost all over the kitchen terrace. Combine the compost with a little water from their bowl and it makes a lovely black mud. Jan spends a lot of her time cleaning up their mess, as if she hasn't got enough to do. Whose idea was this get-together? And if you think that I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, you'd be bloody right!

***

OK, it's now 20.15 and we're now the full complement of 14 adults, four children and 3 dogs. In order to sit everyone down at one table, we put 2 large tables side by side, and it's still a squash. Tim and Sue cook sausages in red wine with mushrooms and shallots, followed by bread and butter pudding. Really tasty. From now on, each family or couple will take it in turns to cook the evening meal, until Christmas Day, when Jan will take over again. It will be fun to see what everyone prepares. There's quite a bit of secrecy about the meals, with some people trying to outdo each other and some people only just making up their minds. Good fun. To round the evening off, we have a 'domestic', with one husband having to spend the night on the sofa. It's no wonder there a so many marital problems at Christmas but at least Jan and I are still talking.................. at the moment!

Nearly there

The second wave arrived today. 4 from Marseille and 2 from Montpellier. Guess who got the Marseille run? It's only a cool 3 hour return trip, and there I was complaining about going to Nîmes. That now takes the gathering up to 10 adults and 4 children. The children are, for me, the best bit. Their ages range from 2 to 12 and they're great fun. Tomorrow the final 4 adults arrive. 2 with another dog, having driven at a leisurely pace from the UK, and 2 from Barcelona.

***

Jan cooked Jamie Oliver's 5 hours slow cooked lamb, which went down a treat, followed by apple crumble. The spot was well and truly hit!

Family bliss?

The pharmacy called this morning to say that the wheelchair, that I had ordered, had arrived, so into Quissac I went to get it. Later this afternoon the first wave of visitors arrived, comprising three adults and three children. All from Jan's side of the family. One of the adults is 88 years old and has made the journey, by plane, from St Albans in the UK. It was a long day for them all because they flew from Luton into Toulon which is about 2.5 hours away. This is the start of a very 'family' Christmas and already it feels good. The children, ranging from 5 to 12 years old, are delightful, Max and Minnie are well behaved and even I haven't fallen over or fallen out with anybody, yet, but for me there's still plenty of time. The week is yet young.

Big bananas

I went down to the Marie last Friday to ask Michelle, William's lovely assistant, where I could hire a wheelchair. (Oooo, very enigmatic - Ed.) During the conversation, she mentioned that she is well aware of my tennis tussles with William because when he wins he goes into the office with a big 'banane' (meaning the big smile on his face). Last Wednesday he came in with no banane, all miserable. Well, we played again this morning even though it was minus 2C. In the end, he went away with a medium size banana, because he beat me 6-3. He made me work hard for every point and even at that temperature I worked up a sweat. The nutritionist, who I have postponed until January, would have been proud of me. OK, I know, I should have gone, but I have lost half a kilo, and I have a few things to sort out, so I could use the time more profitably.

***

I noticed on the English news this morning that some supermarkets are about to open for 24 hours in the run up to Christmas. Nothing new in that you would say, but compare this to our local town, Quissac. I popped in this afternoon to get some bits, and the place was deserted. A ghost town. It's Monday and most if not all shops shut Monday, so shut they will. It could be Christmas, or the end of the world, but it is also Monday, so shops and banks will shut. I could argue that this shows a sensible balance between work and play, but I could also argue that it's symptomatic of a general malaise. I have a feeling that France is getting left behind. I realise that we live in the sticks and I can only talk about what I see around me, but I can't help but feel that French leadership is way too arrogant and that too many people are prepared to take the easy way. Can't anybody see that pouring billions of euros into French agriculture, year after year, is unsustainable in the long term and that something has to change. It's not as if food is cheap here. New Zealand lamb is half the price of French lamb and it's been shipped half way round the world! The French wine trade has certainly been left behind, but that's nothing compared to what will happen if they really decide to start making wine in China. The Chinese are already here in Languedoc, learning and making wine at their own domain. I think that it was Napoleon who said that China was a sleeping lion and that when it woke up and roared you'd better listen. China has woken, mes braves, but you ain't listening.

***

I'm out in the garden getting the wood in, when Alain and Nicholas (another Beauceron owner) run to the fence shouting at me saying that the chimney is on fire. Intrigued, because I know that I haven't lit a fire, I took a look and at first glance it looked as if they were right. Until you realised that it was the dying rays of the sun reflecting off the chrome cowl as it spun round. Having once had a chimney fire when I lived in Wokingham, I understand the damage that they can do, which reminds me to make a diary note to get the chimney swept next spring.

***

Talking of the news, this morning they interviewed Woody Allen who gave us the quote of the day. "The only thing that stands between me and greatness - is me." How true.

I want what she's got

There I am lying in bed wondering about the derivative of the word 'whippersnapper'. Now most people have better things to do with their time, in bed, on a Sunday morning, than think of such things. Such is my life now! Anyway, according to the Oxford English dictionary the word is probably 17th century and comes from 'whip snapper' - expressing noise and unimportance. So there you go.

***

It's interesting to note the change in Max's behaviour since Min arrived. The first obvious difference is that he now bolts his food just in case Minnie gets anywhere near. He has always grazed rather than scoffed but he now wants to finish his food quickly because she sits in the wings waiting to dive into his bowl. Another change is how he handles treats. We buy leather 'bones' for them to chew and out of deference to his size, we give Max a large bone and Minnie a small one. Because Min gets something different, Max shows no interest in his large bone and is only happy when he gets a small one like Min. I suppose that's interesting if you're a dog watcher, but boring if not!

***

Despite my poor behaviour over the last few weeks, I'm surprised when I weigh myself this morning to find that I've lost another half kilo. I'm scheduled to see Dr K, the nutritionist, tomorrow and had been thinking about cancelling the appointment on the basis that if I weigh more now, and I will certainly weigh more after Christmas, then one bollocking is better than two. I'll see what I weigh in the morning and then make a decision.

***

Guests start descending on us, on Tuesday, and they will all have arrived by Thursday, so it's more tidying up, tarting up the house and chopping wood. Jan makes two pasta dishes for dinner, one, a strange shaped pasta that we bought when we last visited Rapallo, with a pesto sauce, and the other, at my request, is a simple olive oil and chilli flavoured one. It's Sunday night and there's nothing on television so Jan decides to make a panforte, a delicious Italian delicacy made with honey, nuts and candied fruit. We're not talking low cal here!