It's all in the translation

Jenny and Anne go with us to Sommieres for the market and we leave Olivia to cook slowly under the sun. We split up, J & A to buy pressies and Jan and I to buy food. The brugnons look particularly big this year and you know how I like big brugnons? Come to think of it the apricots look pretty big as well. I love all the soft fruits at this time of the year.

***

I get very irritated with tourists that don't try. There I am standing in a shop paying for a birthday card and this large (country deleted to prevent accusations of racism) woman strolls into the shop and says to the French assistant in very broken English "ave you got stamps?" No please, thank you, or any attempt to converse with her host in French, or even her own language, just arrogance and rudeness.

OK, so what are the essential phrases for a male tourist that should be translated before he leaves for foreign climes?

1 Can I have two beers please?
2 Same again please waiter.
3 Where's the toilet mate?
4 A plate of fries please Manuel?
5 And ketchup?
6 You look so beautiful, you take my breath away.
7 Of course I'll wear one.
8 You must be joking, of course I still love you!
9 Honest constable, it has nothing to do with me.

And for females:

1 A Pina Colada for me and a beer for my friend please.
2 My friend says that this beer will last her all night.
3 I'd like two more large Shingapore Shlings, pleash waiter.
4 Where's a da loo Pedro?
5 I don't want much, just a light salad, pleash waiter.
6 With fries and mayonnaise pleash!
7 I like you very much. You're not married are you?
8 Do you still love me and will you ring me tomorrow?
9 Where's that bloody waiter that works here?

This is not a totally exhaustive list, but it will help with lots of tricky little situations.

***

It's the hottest day of the year so far with the thermometer reaching 35C in the shade on the kitchen terrace. The pool hits 31C this afternoon and for the first time this year none of my bits complains when I get in. It has almost stopped being refreshing so I turn off the heating. In the meantime Anne, Jenny and Olivia attempt to turn a brighter shade of purple in the searing heat and a jolly good job they do too.

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By popular demand I am dragged fighting and screaming to the BBQ and I'm forced to cook my barbecued lamb. Instead of olive oil in the marinade, we use colza, rape seed oil which is high in Omega 3, (Dr K said it, so I do it) but I'm not sure if it marinades quite so well. Next time we'll try 50/50 colza and olive oil. Stay tuned. As usual Jan does a great job with the spuds and veg but of course the star has to be the lamb. Amongst others, we also open a couple of bottles of Plan de Savalous from Coste Plane. This cabernet/merlot blend has been Jan's favorite for a while and I have to say I enjoyed it much more than usual. It goes really well with the lamb. Mnnnnnn.