Something for the weekend, sir?

There are two things I dislike.

1 Wearing a shirt and tie and

2 Shaving

Today was a shirt and tie and a shave day. The things you do for your kids. OK, I accept there are some things you have to do and that this was one of those times. So out it comes, the shirt that will just fit round my less than sylph like neck. A very nice shirt actually but, hang on, this thing has cuffs. Jaaaaaaaaannnnnn, were are my cufflinks? She found one, hooray, but the second was nowhere to be found. So a safety pin it was. Do you know that no one mentioned it.

Wedding No 1

Yesterday was all about getting things ready, and today we had the first wedding. If you were paying attention earlier you will know what I'm talking about. I won't bore you about yesterday other than to say, amongst other jobs, that I turned up on time to get the sound system. The prat that I was hiring it from didn't show (welcome to the South of France). Oh, sorry he said, hang on there, and an hour later he turned up and we then wandered off on our less than merry way. Job done.

***

I was up at 07.00 this morning to give the pool a final clean, but, more importantly to check if the beer cooler was working properly. It was.

***

At 11.00 we all trooped down to the Mairie for the first 'official wedding. The following pictures tell the story.

No 1 ex-wife and No 1 daughter arrive at the Mairie.

Pauline and her 'best woman' Catherine arrive at the Mairie.

An unusual photo of my children together.The Happy Couple. They'll learn! No 1 Daughter, pissed as usual!My lovely mum, who, at 83 years old, made it out on her own!No 1 daughter.The very lovely and still No1, Jan.

A problem on the line

The other day we lost our phone and Internet connection. Not a massive problem in the scheme of things but, with the wedding coming up, it could have been a tad inconvenient. So I rang FT on 1013 (deestress), geddit. Realising that I wasn't French, (clever or what) the lovely lady decided to help me by speaking in English. I hung on for a while and she eventually came back and gave me the startling news, "You av a problem on ze line." The old, impatient, aggressive me would normally have said, "Thanks, but I told you that 10 minutes ago!" Anyway, I've mellowed a lot since then, and she promised a technician would sort it out, without visiting the house, the next day, and he did. Thanks FT.

***

It was off to Nîmes at lunchtime to pick up the 'happy' couple, and, they seemed genuinely happy. Last time I got married (OK, the only time I got married), I seem to remember that I wondered whether I was doing the right thing - before the wedding, and, for the next 26 years - (just kidding). Then I met Jan, so far so good.

The ultimate mystery

We were without phones and Internet yesterday, and most of today, so I offer you a little gift.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

We got beer

Oooh errr! Summer is back with a vengeance. At 10.30 this morning it was 30 C on the east facing terrace and by lunchtime it hit an energy sapping 35 C on the shaded south facing terrace. My fears of cold evening weather for the wedding have now diminished because the forecast looks better.

***

It was as a poor start to my resolve to be more active today, because Jan forced me to have a lie-in. Bum. Having said that I made an early start at getting the beer cooler working (how important is that? - Ed). As instructed, it had been sitting undisturbed for a couple of days and the refrigeration unit had been filled with water and the beer tubes had been rinsed out. I was so excited. Look girls, I know its a boy thing, but to have your own chilled beer, on tap, as it were, was very exciting, so please indulge me (just like Jan indulges you all the time? - Ed). Anyway, by mid afternoon the water was very cold so I connected the gas and beer. I was quivering with excitement (you are so sad! - Ed). That tap hissed and fizzed, then it happened, I had beer. Beautiful cold beer. It tasted so good, and even Jan indulged in a demi-pêche.

A quiet day

Kevin and family left this morning for their drive back to blighty. Because they went back with more people (don't ask) and more wine (you don't need to ask) than they came with, it made packing the car quite tricky. Anyway, after packing a ton of luggage around Debbie in the boot, they set off. We were sad to see them go.

That's it, apart from a little shopping and a promise to myself to be more active tomorrow, we did very little else. (You have omitted to mention all the work that Jan did, you lazy sod - Ed). Excellent.

Jacqui, you will be pleased to note that I have now shaved my beard off and lost a bit of weight!

With a little help from your friends

The tennis was good this morning. William and I got ahead by three games in the first set, then the 'young uns' came at us like a steam train. They played really well and took the set 7-5. We tried really hard but couldn't stop them. Anyway, we took the second set 6-3 and regained a little pride. Great fun.

***

As soon as we'd finished Jan and I had to pop over to Bryan and Gill's to work on a detailed plan for the wedding breakfast on the Saturday. With 15 tables of 8 people to serve and only 5 helpers, it needs to be well organised otherwise it could turn into a shambles. B&G who have lots of experience of this kind of thing, with vastly bigger numbers, had very kindly offered to host a planning meeting. It was just as well that we did because several important items that had not been properly considered came to light. Thanks B&G.

***

Having to ensure a group of people get fed next Thursday, we popped into the relais to see if they would open for a party of 11. I asked Olivier two questions, the first was, would you open next week, he said no, and the second, could we eat now and he said no. It was worth a try, but it makes you think.

Wadda you want on you pizza?

After getting my prescription renewed in Quissac , Kevin and I went to Sommieres to pick up the beer cooler (I told you that you'd get fed up reading about the wedding!). What a mess it was in. After its last use, the pipes had not been cleaned out and in fact were still full of beer, nor had the refrigeration unit been emptied properly. Thanks to Kevin, we managed to manhandle it into the car together with a gas cylinder and three kegs of beer. During the journey, very old beer worked itself behind the tarpaulin that we used to cover the boot, soaked into the carpet and now the car smells of rancid beer. Not nice, in fact bloody awful!

***

Tonight, as a sort of farewell meal, we all decamped to Nîmes and ate at our favourite pizzeria. Pizzerai Cerutti, 25, rue de l'horloge, is always busy and always fun. No matter how busy they are, they will always add tables and chairs until there is no more pavement left to occupy. Get there before 20.00 because they fill up very quickly.

Photo source: photo.net

Watch my lips

I was at the hairdresser yesterday and it slowly dawned on me that I've developed a knack of chatting to him without understanding a word of what he's saying. I achieve this by listening to the tone of what is said and nodding knowledgeably and grunting or snorting in the right place and at the right time. It's kinda spooky because, for all I know, he's asked me to marry him. I've written about these rules of engagement before and this is what I can remember:

Rule 1. When you talk about spending money, adopt a negative, lost soul, I'm a poor foreigner and I don't understand anything stance, even if you fully understand everything. Pay nothing.

Rule 2. In conversation with a male of the opposite sexual persuasion, adopt a negative, and very butch stance. Make sure that you fully understand everything he's saying. Do nothing.

Rule 3. If stopped by the police, adopt a negative, lost soul, I'm a foreigner and don't understand anything stance, but then pay the fine quickly because you could end up in jail having to adopt Rule 2.

Rule 4. In conversation with a beautiful woman, say yes and agree to everything and then worry about the consequences later. (I'm with you on that one buddy! - Ed)

Not like this, like that

We'd been finding it very difficult to find large square (or round) tableclothes for the forthcoming wedding lunch (Friday 31st - you'll be sick of reading about this wedding by the time I've finished) but Jan eventually found exactly what we wanted at Casa in Nîmes. So far so good. When we got back last night, number one son and heir, pronounced that they didn't want round tables for this particular meal, but one long rectangular table. I was not a happy bunny.

***

Aren't women wonderful? With the wedding looming, new dresses arrive at the house by the hour and Jan has been spending an inordinate amout of time topping up her tan. I presume it has nothing to do with my 'first ex-wife' being at the wedding, or anything like that. I was chatting about this type of obsession with William the other day and it transpired that the French equivalent for a male 'six pack' is 'tablets of chocolate.' He understood when I told him that my chocolate had melted and sunk to my belt!

Paella 2

Last night was 'Paella 2', the sequel. This one was hosted by the Societe de Chasse, and they were offering aperos from 18.00. "No way," said Jan, who remembered that I was flying by 20.30 when we arrived at the last one. "Let's get there for 8, because there will be no food until 9 at the earliest. It's way too much drinking time." Sensible lady, our Jan. Anyway, we got there at 8 and everyone was still at the bar. It was a different group to last time. This time it was a 'hunters' group, with many of the faces that I recognised coming from the 'huntin, shootin and fishin' fraternity. It made me wonder whether the village was splitting into 2 camps. The slightly more artistic group, who organised the last event, and this group. I'm not sure what this says about us other than we like a good time and like to support everyone.

I'm not a huge paella fan but I have to say that this one was much better than the last and I enjoyed it more, mainly because it was a much warmer evening (and I didn't end up doing the washing up!). Typically for this group, food was delivered to the table on paper plates and perversely I enjoyed this more. I'd hate it if these events stopped because for me they are an excellent way of socializing and having fun. Unfortunately the fun was directed at the English group last night because France beat England in a friendly in Marseilles and so we had to put up with a lot of banter. Excellent.

***

I suspect you think that I am a foul mouthed, uneducated, boorish yob from Yorkshire (yes! - Ed.), not so mes braves, I'm proud to say that I have some very bright old school friends (what's that got to do with you being a yob? - Ed). One of them, TH, who was in my class at primary school, my class at a Jesuit college in Leeds, and who is professor of microbiology at at big university teaching hospital in the UK, popped over with his wife and mother for a barbecue today. Because of his credentials, and conscious of a desire not to be sued, I cooked all the meat to perfection and they managed it back to their hotel with n'er a hint of food poisoning. It was such good fun! We chatted for hours about things surgical and microbiological, that is, until he ran out of things to say and I bored him senseless with all my medical knowledge. Sensing his discomfort, I changed the subject to football, when he appeared to relax.

As the day wore on, so did the wine. By 17.00 there were about 14 people sitting round the table (neighbours kept popping in) and my puny attempt at bringing one bottle of wine to the table at a time was proving useless. One bottle only went halfway round and I became very 'tired and confused' at this dilemma.

Lunch finished at about 18.30.

Easy to swallow

I change the desktop on my PC to reflect the seasons, or my mood. This is a very nice one, and you can get it here. In case you don't speak Spanish, right click the picture and left click 'Set as Background'.

***

So there we were, Bob, Chris, Kevin and I all chewing the fat at Elie's bar in Sommieres, listening to Chris' adventures as a private chef to wealthy French and English families on the CdA. Kevin happens to mention that his PR company had pitched to the Mars consumer drinks division. Normally they only deal with business PR, so this was a little unusual. Someone said, let me understand, this is a Mars drink? It tastes like a Mars bar? Bob quick as a flash came up with the perfect tag line. 'Mars, the drink. If you're just too lazy to chew'. I'm still giggling.

It's humour like this that you can't buy. It comes from a bunch of guys sitting around shooting the breeze. Excellent.

***

It was late afternon and time to cool down in the pool. Unless the pool temperature is about 30 C, I sqeal like a schoolgirl as I get in. Kevin, who was already in, looks at me in disgust and spits, "If you lived in Reading, you'd find this tropical. In fact there are parts of Reading that don't have tap water as hot as this!" I got the impression that he wasn't too sympathetic.

My obituary

This made me laugh.

Obituary euphemisms:

"Free spirit" - unemployable

"Vivacious" - drunk (female)

"A character" - drunk (male)

"Fun loving" - drank more than worked

"Down to earth" - born working class

"Utterly carefree" - senile

So my obituary would read:

A free spirit. A down to earth, utterly carefree, fun loving character.

***

A couple of days ago a small round hole appeared on the terrace and when I looked down I could see plastic drainage pipes. Oh, it's just a bit of subsidence, I thought and filled the hole with stones. Yesterday, I noticed Max sniffing at something in the same postion and blow me if it wasn't a small rabbit looking out of the hole. At first sight it appeared dead but on closer inspection you could see its nose twitching. The poor thing was stuck and it took two of us 20 minutes or so to dig it out. It had obviously made the hole the other day and was using the underground pipe as a run. Filling the hole with stones had caused it to get jammed as it came out of the hole. Bless.

A big brave girl

The vet in Quissac did a good job with Minnie's recent op and through our judicious use of t-shirts, Min (front above) has left the wound alone and it has healed nicely. This morning we popped her to the vet to have the stitches removed. She was a star, lying there quietly as the stitches were pulled. We were very proud parents!

***

My Italian auntie told me a long time ago that the weather in Italy deteriorates after 15th August, and I believe that there is a similar belief in France. Well, as soon as the 15th had finished, after midnight last night, it rained, and it hasn't rained for ages. Kinda spooky, n'est ce pas?

***

Bryan and Gill came round this afternoon to help fix wiring across the terrace so that we can string up some lighting for the wedding and discuss general wedding details. With the longest length at 11 metres, we needed to consider a little sagging (we're not talking about you are we? - Ed.) so we used fence tensioners to get it nice and tight. Bryan then fixed a tap which had been leaking since Spring. Thanks Bryan.