Monsters of the hive

We've got this small blue bush or, to be more precise, a small bush with blue flowers, that has been covered with huge black bees for the last few days. These bees are monsters. They're totally black and about 3 to 4 centimeters long. I suggest you don't mention that you don't like their honey!

Off with his head

So the Poet Laureate thinks writing poetry for the Royal Family is a 'thankless task'. Well, I've written a poem for him.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Mister Andrew Motion

I've got a new job for you.

Confused and disappointed

And there I was thinking that the big bang experiment was something completely different.
The Daily Mash has an interesting article that explains it all very clearly.

Stop press

To prove that she is at the cutting edge of current affairs, Carolina sent me this article. Thanks Caro, great fun.

Fiat lux

Talking about cold dark nights, click here if you want to see the light.

Cold nights

Grief, I woke up feeling cold this morning. It's only 8th September, so please don't say that autumn has arrived already. The days are warm and sunny but the evenings are definitely a bit cooler. Having said that, the first instalment of winter wood has arrived and I can't wait to start the fire. Stupid I know but the new insert means that we can have cosy fires, without your eyes streaming and without choking to death, much earlier this year. Bliss!

Tell someone you love them

It's quiet this morning and, other than an article on Murray beating Nadal in the US semis, there's nothing to read. It's so quiet that when I received an email from John Lewis, telling me about their new autumn flower range, I opened it to see what that they had to say.

If you're bored as well and, just in case you're interested, click here.

Linguistic challenge

THINGS THAT ARE APPARENTLY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE APPARENTLY VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE APPARENTLY DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A Big Mac? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Personality traits

If you believe in this research you can learn a bit about yourself.

I must admit to being partial to soul music and blues. This makes me a personality with high self esteem, and that I'm also creative, hardworking, gentle and at ease (you knew that already, didn't you?). Having said that, most of the personality traits were actually very similar.

I wonder how much money they spent on this research?

Credit Agricole

How many times have you been told never to reply to emails purporting to come from your bank, asking for personal information. Well, this morning we each received an email from Credit Agricole Languedoc, asking us to send them proof of our identity (we've only been with them for 6 years) and proof of residence. We were also asked to click on two different links within the email to download stuff.


Needless to say I thought that it was a phishing attack but because it looked so kosher I emailed my contact at the bank. She replied saying that the email was legitimate. What a bunch of idiots. How unprofessional. Is it any wonder that this bank has lost billions recently?

Fun

These television and radio show, questions and answers, come courtesy of Craig. My favourite is the question about Dallas

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The .?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY Show
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er .
Leslie: He makes bread .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er...
... er... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .. Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

But I've spent the money

I made it. Elie finally gave me the bill for the beer that we had at my son's wedding, one year ago. Do you think that I should make him wait for a year for payment?

Shopping

When we were in the UK last week we did a little shopping. Or, more to the point, Jan did a little shopping. I like shopping, but Jan likes shopping more! So much so that we acquired 22 Kilograms of excess baggage for the return trip. Now, I don't know how much you know about Ryanair and their excess baggage charges but if my memory served me right they would charge us £12 per Kilo. A cool £264 for excess baggage and that was going to make all her little bargains a tad more expensive.

What to do? Well, we checked out the nearest Mail Boxes etc., to where we eventually stayed, asked them to pack it all in a box and send it to us in France. They were really helpful and friendly, and promised not to snigger at, or look at any of Jan's underwear. The cost, a slightly more respectable £80 but still a lot of money.

Anyway, the box arrived today and I could hardly lift it. It was like Christmas. Jan rooted around in the box and found my magazine (750 grams), my new mouse mat (100 grams) and the car tidy that my mother bought for me (150 grams). Now I'm no mathematicians but I reckon that my little lot comes to about a kilo, something that I could have squeezed into my carry on and hoped for the best. And the rest?

The bottle of wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.'